This morning I woke up very, very tired and what felt like depressed. Though, I don’t think I’m depressed.
Then again, that sounds like something a depressed person would say.
I think I’m just emotionally overloaded, and part of the comes from feeling I’m of disservice to myself. Not fully allowing myself to dive into emotions I need to process, into creative endeavors I need to pursue for my mental wellbeing… the list goes on. But being so hyper aware that I’m not giving my all towards myself and then watching myself push my needs aside for the sole purpose of people pleasing is just frustrating and sad. So, of course I sit and sulk instead of doing anything about it. It’s a super fun cycle.
Being disappointed with self is a different type of depression for me.
With my experiences of depression, I’m more so mope over things that I have no control over. This being the nonsense of government affairs that lack consideration for humanity. The haunting thoughts of education systems not being set up for success with their funding and supplies, but also their absence in caring for the mental well being of children and assuring that they are given the proper resources to be able to handle the real world. The underrepresentation of the importance of skills to properly process emotions. The robbery of money, peace, and TIME of its own people due to greed and selfishness. The inability for those in authority to truly SEE one another and understand oneness.
That’s typically where my depression lives.
In areas that I feel I have little to no control in.
Being depressed about things I have no control over makes sense. It’s validated.
Comparing that to self inflicted depression over things I indeed have full control over… makes me feel silly.
I’m not depressed, I’m dramatic and over myself.
I’m the one thing I have control over in this crazy, unruly world. I can sit here and pin point what needs to be changed and do something about it. So waking up and saying, “I feel depressed,” is a weak excuse for not taking initiative and doing what needs to be done in order to get me where I want to be.
I’m tired of making excuses for myself. I’m over not accepting where I’m at because I may not understand where I’m at. I refuse to continue being frustrated with myself for not understanding emotions that I’m still processing. I will not feel sorry for myself to not prioritizing what I know I need.
No more self-induced anxiety/depression.
Only self-induced celebrations and love.
Thanks for reading yet again, another rant.
Peace and blessings to all,
xx, Mal ❤
Inside Mallory's Brain 