The Brain Dump of an Emotional Empress

I’ve came here to write multiple times since I’ve been back in the states, but each time I attempt to write I feel guilty for not putting my attention towards other priorities which need attended to (like finding a place to live or picking out my outfit for a well anticipated Austin Powers party – clearly there’s a spectrum haha).

I’ve come all this way, and have been so proud to say that I gained clarity on what matters most to me while I was away traveling (particularly my creative endeavors), and yet here I am still sleeping on myself. Still not writing consistently on my blog when I know it’s something that rejuvenates me. It’s something I enjoy, even if I’m writing nonsense gibberish (much like this one in particular).

Why do I feel guilty when I come to write instead of doing other things that I will likely not give attention to regardless if I’m writing or not?

Why do I feel guilt for doing something I love? Something that makes me feel better? Regardless if anyone reads it or not, it makes me feel good. It gives my thoughts, rants, stories, and most importantly, anxieties a place to live other than my brain. It gives me a space to brain dump. And when I least expect it and need it the most, it presents someone who can relate. Sometimes just simply having a reminder that you’re not alone and someone understands where you’re coming from is all you need.

Yet I’m constantly ripping myself of that? By not writing on my blog I deprive myself from connecting with people in ways that I yearn for that’s not on a surface level.

I’m so tired of surface level.

But maybe that’s why I hesitate and don’t write. Maybe I’m scared.
Maybe I mistake my discomfort with vulnerability for guilt of not doing other tasks.

The deeper I get under my surface, is how deep other people will get with me.
Am I scared of being in the depths with people?
Am I weary of sharing my deepest emotions and thoughts because maybe no one will understand me?
Do I need validation of being understood to feel my emotions are worthy of sharing?

Idk. Clearly I’m all over the place.
Maybe I need therapy.

That’s all for now. I’m an emotional empress that needs to sort her emotions.
Thanks for reading this brain dump.

With love,
xx, Mal ❤

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