**this was written in 2020 to introduce my podcast (which is now 2 years old)**
I’ve been a hot mess the past couple of years. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m not working in a field that I feel is contributing to my bigger purpose in life. I’m constantly missing my cat. I haven’t done my taxes yet. And to top it all off, I’m broke.
I have mental breakdowns almost daily about needing to make money but not wanting to work my life away. I just can’t seem to grasp the point of working 5 days a week in trade of 2 free days… oh… and while being overworked and underpaid. I don’t understand who came up with this structure of life that has us all working literally our entire day just to make a living.
I can’t stand that we are thrown into adulthood just to be hit with all of these bills, insurance, loans just to get an education, and a government that doesn’t bother caring about the sanity of it’s civilians… I don’t care what party you are, the system is broken in many ways and the only way to make a change is to completely rid of everyone in there and fill those spots with people of good morals, values, and intentions.
I’m over having to constantly watch my actions and my words because it might cost me my career… OVER STUFF THAT SHOULD BE BEING TALKED ABOUT. I’m tired of having to constantly watch my back because older men are disgusting and don’t recognize boundaries. I’m exhausted of working my butt off with integrity and honesty for someone who is lazy, a liar, and a bafoon to walk in and snag the bag because “he knows someone.” Get on somewhere with that.
I’m fed up of people with “authority” thinking they’re all that and a bag of chips. I’m so incredibly annoyed with sexism, racism, ageism, classism, ALL THE ISMS. I’M DONE WITH THEM.
I’m worn out of the superficial, inauthentic, wanna-be influencers who are literally everything BUT real, getting attention for the amount of followers they have. And then I’m upset with the people who even give them the time of day because they can’t get their faces out of Instagram to realize the girl with a million followers only has that many followers because her butt is fake, and that’s all she posts. The girl preaching “self-love is everything omg,” doesn’t even have her own life together but is putting on a facade. I’m so sick and tired of everyone putting on this show just to look good. When are people going to realize that LOOKS LITERALLY DON’T MATTER. (Sure they do when it comes to attraction, but how you look doesn’t make you a decent human being). BUT IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS THEY MEAN NOTHING. When you’re dead and your spirit is flying all over the place, your spirits beauty is going to either shine or it’s going to be extremely dull depending on how you decided to live your life and treat others… so you might be pretty now… but honey that afterlife isn’t gonna treat you so well now is it? Nope.
With that being said, I’ve also made some strides towards being less of a hot mess. Even though I’m broke, I’m more financially stable than I was a few years ago and phew is that nice!! I’m employed with a really cool job that gives me the opportunity to work in TV and film. I live in the city I always dreamed of living in while growing up. And even though I haven’t done my taxes yet, I know it’s going to be PHAT.
Sure I may have mental breakdowns everyday, but I have people to go to when they happen. I’m SO BLESSED with some of the most loving, authentic, and entertaining people this world has seen. You guys are missing out on these beautiful people. A few traits about them – one of them is obsessed with llamas, another thinks you put wine in the freezer. Then you have the one that didn’t know women use toilet paper when they go #1 (he was 18 when he learned this, he should’ve known by then), and then another who is allergic to cats… and while she can’t help that… it’s just not okay. The variety traits my peeps have give me life, and I couldn’t be more thankful.
I might not like the struggles adulthood brings, but I sure do love the freedom it has outside of work. I’ve been able to create a routine and lifestyle I’ve always dreamt of. I’ve earned the ability to take off and go to the beach for the day, or go explore new hiking trails. I’ve placed myself in a state where a 2 hour trip can take me to the desert, the snow, an island, or a farm. I’ve worked hard for my money so that if I want to spend it all on oysters and ice cream I CAN DO THAT!
While there are a lot of things within the entertainment industry specifically that I despise, I have gotten myself to a point where I have learned what needs fixed and what to do in order to make a difference. I feel strong enough to use my voice and stand for what’s right. I see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the industry, and I’m thankful that I’m able to be in this business so that I can be apart of changing things for the better.
I am living in a generation where ism’s don’t exist, and where we want a better future for ourselves and our children. We have come along way from where society has been, and I’m proud to say that we are only going to be making steps forward.
I’ve learned what true beauty is. Not to society, but to the nature of humanity. While there are and always will be difficult, ugly characters in this world, I know how to recognize the beauty in people, and that skill is all I need.
So you could say the past few years have been a rollercoaster with all of the emotions, events, and realizations being handed to me. When I look back and reflect, the main constant that I see is how purposeless I feel towards my bigger picture in making an impact in others lives, and how I haven’t contributed time and effort towards anything I truly want to do. Each time I work on a bigger passion project, I get nervous midway through and just give up on it because I’m scared it will fail. It’s amazing how I’m not scared to move across the country with no job, or jump out of an airplane, but I’m scared to start some of my biggest dreams. How can I fail if I never even try? And neglecting my dreams and ambitions is only making me resent everything else in life, and that’s not okay. So, what are my biggest dreams you ask?
If I could do anything in the world, I would love to be a writer and to spend my time traveling the world telling stories that touch, inspire, and empower other people. I feel most alive when I’m writing or interacting with people. When I post a blog and someone messages me saying they really needed to read that, or when I post a video online and people share it saying how I made an impact in their day – it really melts my butter. Feeling the sense that I’m helping someone else out cannot be more rewarding. Whether it’s 2 people who read my blog, or 310 people. It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel like I have a voice, and it makes me feel like I can truly make a difference and be an unstoppable force.
So why do I shrink up when it’s actually time to push out some mind blowing content? I guess because it can be so vulnerable and personal, and if that were to fail it would be devastating and disappointing. All of this time I back off because I don’t want to get my feelings hurt if the world doesn’t like what I put out there. But when did I start caring about what everyone else thought? When did it matter if the majority didn’t like it? What about those 2 people that needed to hear it in that moment? Those are the ones that matter, and I am the one that matters. My passion projects are for me to be proud of. They’re to fill my cup up, not the worlds. And if I decide to put it out to the world it’s because I am passionate about it and I feel the urge to share it with others.
It’s better to try and fail than to never try at all.
It’s better to impact one person, than to impact none at all.
You always win when you show up for yourself. Nothing is worse than disappointing yourself.
With that being said, I’ve starting a podcast!! WOO! It’s called Doin’ Well Doin’ Swell! It consists of interesting, intense, entertaining rants and conversations. Some about the various topics you read about above. This podcast gives my readers a better opportunity to connect with me, and to get to know my tone a bit better. It will also give my non-readers the opportunity to access my content while they’re on a drive, getting ready, or taking a shower. (Am I the only one who listens to podcasts in the shower??)
It’s a space to share my inspirations and my ideas. A space to ask my questions and have deep conversations. It’s a space that is fluid and limitless. It’s hilarious, entertaining, inspiring, freeing, and empowering. It’s also a place where I rant and get my frustrations out… so it looks like you guys are all now my therapist hehe. 😉
Doin’ Well Doin’ Swell is on all streaming platforms for podcasts – Apple, Spotify, Google, Amazon, all that jazz. Please let me know if you have any suggestions, ideas, or topics that you think would be interested. I’m open to any and all feedback.
If it’s scary and uncomfortable, it must mean it’s worth it.
Thanks for reading. See you on the pod.