Thank you, Puss.

I feel like I’ve been suffocating myself. 

No. I know I’ve been suffocating myself. 

I’m so scared because I want my dreams to come true SO bad, that I’m rushing the process. But in reality, rushing the process is pushing the process away. 

I’m becoming my own worst enemy. I dabble into so many things because I get so excited about new opportunities and I don’t want to miss out on another passion. But because my interests in so many things is uncontrollable for me, it holds me back because I take advantage of it. 

I don’t utilize that rare quality of mine in a positive way like I used to when I was young. Why? Because I went through things in life. I started questioning every little thing instead of trusting it. I started complaining more. I smiled less. I worried more. I started putting things off because I would get discouraged… so instead of taking things on full force I would just sit back and wait to see what happens next… and that’s NOT me. SO WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET TO THAT?

(I don’t know why I just put that all in past tense because it’s still present, but this is me acknowledging myself and calling myself out because I needed this talk with myself). (I also need the people who truly love and care for me to hold me accountable just like my mother does…even when I don’t want her to).

Instead of putting 25% into 4 different things, I need to allow myself to figure out how to merge my life into one path. But I can’t just wait until I figure out how to do it, I have to do it. And I’ve been slacking at that…simply doing it. And I know better. 

Ugh, LIFE MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. 

I MAKE MYSELF WANT TO SCREAM. 

I don’t understand me sometimes. But I neglect myself because I avoid understanding myself because I’m scared. But that’s just an excuse.

My mom likes to hide from me sometimes, but she finally came out of hiding and called me. She hit me with “pregame” words to a serious conversation like, “well….I have stuff to say to you….but I don’t want to come off as negative….because I have your best interest…” and I’m sitting there like, “oh man she’s about to say something I know I need to listen to but I hate that she’s right.” And long story short, it’s been what feels like a LOOOONNNNNNGGGG 2 days of me evaluating my life after that wake up call of a phone call. But it’s helping me understand me and how I work. And that’s kind of cool. Thank you, Puss. 

So here’s to getting my life together and taking action. And here’s an apology to myself – for not being the best me that I can be. Time to stop being distracted.

(P. S. in my defense to all of this, the ocean constantly calls and she is really hard to reject).