Tending to my Emotions

It’s been some time since I’ve published anything of substance and it’s haunting me. Though I’ve been enjoying the slower pace of delving into my creativity – I feel shame for not sharing.

Where does the shame come from? I’m not exactly sure.

I feel content in my day to days and I’m enjoying creating when I want to create and relaxing when I want to relax (and actually relaxing). I’ve still been writing. I’ve still been recording my podcast and editing videos. I’ve even been drawing again (which I love, I don’t know why I ever fell off of that). My intake of good information from books, documentaries, and podcasts has encouraged me to dive deeper into myself and creations. Building a deeper home and community within San Diego by visiting museums and joining a sand volleyball league has warmed my soul. Embracing being in love has been emotionally eventful to say the least. It feels like being hit with a truck of cuddles and uncharted emotions – and I love every second of it.

I feel a bit messy, but I feel complete. So where does the shame come from?

Is it from societal pressure that I have to post or publish every little thing I do or create? Likely.
Is it from self-induced pressure of wanting multiple streams of income and financial freedom? For sure.
Is it from knowing the unexpected connection I gain with a variety of people from sharing? Yes, I long that!

But I also long the freedom of creating and never sharing. I love the imperfect cluster of colors, the nonsense word vomits, and unpleasing art it creates in the process. I love the non-strategic outlet. I love starting with nothing and seeing where it goes, whether it be brilliant or boldly ugly. I love creating as a form of expression vs. a form of attempting career progression.

I guess that’s where the shame comes from.
I’m creating, but for what? For who?

I have a multiple of blessings in my life that have challenged me to grow in exponential ways within the past year and though I want to share it, I don’t know how to share it. I’m enjoying just being with myself and my emotions. I’m enjoying creating for myself and for my emotions. I’m enjoying tending to parts of me I didn’t know existed. More tender parts of me.

I hate that there’s shame around that.

But I’ll figure it out. And I’ll figure it out well.

Thanks for reading one of my many nonsense word vomits.
xx, Mal